got something funny?

[lrspeel]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches
in Montego Bay , Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the
talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple"
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ,"
explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a
trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far
when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked
down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my
wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the
horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver
from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that, are you f*ckin crazy!?" She looked at ME, and
quietly said, "That's once."

And from that moment....."we have lived happily every after."

[lrspeel]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before
the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a
rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his
paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There
was much bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd,
"Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said,

"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
rubbers."And the congregation said, "Amen"

[lrspeel]

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she
wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.
She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then
instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her
left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is
getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind,
could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that
there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

[lrspeel]

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said 'Did Santa bring it to you?
'Yep,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector
light on the back of it.'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?

'Yes, he sure did,' chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'

[lrspeel]

BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest,
biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw
her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma
and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks
him square in the eyes and says....................


'Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.'

[lrspeel]

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNE Y: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________ ______________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... What do you think I was doing?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_______ _______________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTO RNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

[lrspeel]

One rainy spring night a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. 'Where to?' he stammered. ' Vilano Road ,' answered the woman.

'OK,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at?'

'Well ma'am', replied the driver, 'I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, 'Does THIS answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?

[lrspeel]

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT
>
>**Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident
>report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the
>Workers' Compensation board.
>
>**This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award
>for sure.......
>
>Dear Sir,
>
>I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3
>of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.
>You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be
>sufficient.
>
>I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on
>the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I
>had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in
>excess of 500lbs.
>
>Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel
>by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth
>floor.
>
>Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and
>loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it
>tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the
>accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked
>off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of
>the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the
>building.
>
>In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
>proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
>fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in
>section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my
>rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles
>deep into the pulley.
>
>Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to
>hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
>
>At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
>and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
>
>Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50
>lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
>
>As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In
>the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for
>the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and
>lower body.
>
>Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to
>slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and
>fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
>
>I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain,
>unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the
>rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto
>me. This explains the two broken legs.
>
>I hope this answers your inquiry.
>