got something funny?

[dirkdigler]

www.metacafe.com/watch/224484/spongebong_hemppants/

[lrspeel]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A
LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL
BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER
MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH
BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON
THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."


THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE
CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL
WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A
LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."

[freddythefox]

a widow goes to the doctor for an internal check up.Dr says"you're still a virgin,yet you've been widowed 3 times,hows that?"woman says"first husband was an astronomer so all he did was stare at it,second was a psychiatrist,all he did was talk to it.the third was a stamp collector.god i miss him!"

[freddythefox]

cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ih=015&item=250043179489&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMEWA%3AIT&rd=1

[lrspeel]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly

[gtb]

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I've had it, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney"

[gtb]

Speaking of Sir Paul, apparently he has just written a new song about Heather. the first verse starts -

We sat there on the river bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slid off her garter belt
and her leg fell in the river

[lrspeel]

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much

Again, the man is impressed.

Th! e third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.


There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[lrspeel]

Sex On Mars





The year is 2222 and Mike and Maria land on Mars after
accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of
things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop
computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maria brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you
guys do it?" asks Maria.

The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do. "A discussion
ensues! Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and
experience one another.

Maria and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian
strip s . He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long
and just a quarter-inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maria.

"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still
narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each
Pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow! " she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad,
Passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go
their separate ways.

As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it,"says Maria, "but it was wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.

[lrspeel]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.




Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.



Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.



Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


MORAL:

Don't Mess With Little Old Ladys

[lrspeel]

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guys says: "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did u say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me....I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 Pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guys says: "Turner Brown? Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around!"

[lrspeel]

;D ;D Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio ;D ;D

All I have to say is "Go Bucks!"

You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh), if:

You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!

You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.

You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.

You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones.

"Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south."

You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.

You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati !

"Vacation! " means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.

You measure distance in minutes.

Your school classes were cancelled because of cold. Your school classes were cancelled because of heat.

You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.

You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example: "Where's my coat at?"

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You know what 'pop' is.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. (Amen!)

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

[lrspeel]

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ......Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[lrspeel]

Subject: Buckeye / Michigan humor


Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a
Toledo Park when one is
suddenly attacked by a rabid rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other >boy
takes his stick and shoves it under the dogs
collar, twists it breaking
the dog's neck and saving his friend.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the
incident. "Toledo Rockets Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts
writing in his notebook.

replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Ohio, I just assumed
reporter and he start's writing again.
"Buckeyes Fan Rescues Friend From
Horrific Attack."

"I'm not a Buckeyes fan either," the boy said.
for the Rockets or the
Buckeyes. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Wolverines fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his
notebook and writes, "Little
Bastard From Michigan Kills Beloved Family
Pet."

[Ed5066]

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a
somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he
made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine
subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions. On his birthday, his
car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk
home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he
figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had
three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way
home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner
tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table,
making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel
another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold,
the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to
one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He
gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just
started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like
a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms,
to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled,
the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the
table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his
napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture
of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and
yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around
the table for his surprise birthday party.