got something funny?

[dirkdigler]

I bet that was the worst thing to happen to you in a long time! did you get the car fixed?

[Ed5066]

my birthday is next month and I drive a chevy, so no worry of it breaking down ;D so this must have been someone wanting Mopar heck they ment they need More power then again It did break down It must have been a ford I see this at work, all the Ford truck owner always have some other form of transportation in the bed. so they be able to get home ;D

[dirkdigler]

clone-a-willy.com/purchase/ hmmmmmmmmmmm

[lrspeel]

OLD Man
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,
red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the teenager looked, the old man was
staring.
The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's
the matter old timer, never done anything wild in
your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got
drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was
wondering if you were my son."

[gtb]

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the
counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can
tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for
£80."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping
on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the
floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell
it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £107.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale
for £80? How did you get to £107.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £80, but the Duck Caller is £20 and the
Fish Bait is £7.50."

[lrspeel]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he
said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I
couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like
playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or
have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"

[lrspeel]

Onions & Christmas Trees

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her
twenties, a
woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties &
forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After
fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?"

"Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, " Mom,
how
many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles
and
answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his
twenties,
his Willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties &
forties, It's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his
fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration
only .

[gtb]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you =let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle .For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

[gtb]

Whilst browsing Ebay listings, I found the following tucked at the bottom of a page

HELLO,

I HAVE BEEN THINKING THAT BECAUSE I AM JUDGING THE QUALITY OF THESE ITEMS AS A "LAY-MAN" AND THAT I REALLY NOT KNOWLEDGABLE ABOUT THESE THINGS, SOMEONE MIGHT NOT AGREE WITH MY ASSESSMENT OF THE QUALITY THEM.

BECAUSE I DONT EVER WANT SOMEONE TO BE DISAPPOINTED WITH ANYTHING I SOLD, PLEASE NOTE THE FOLLOWING:

THESE ARE IN HORRIBLE CONDITION.

THERE ARE BULLET HOLES AND BURNS ALL OVER THEM.

THERE IS MUD, DIRT, BLOOD AND CAT/DOG HAIR ON THEM.

THEY HAS BEEN HAMMERED, SHOT AND STEPPED ON.

THERE IS COFFEE AND FOOD STAINS ALL OVER ALL OF THEM.

ALL ITEMS REEK OF CIGARETTE, PIPE AND CIGAR SMOKE.

THEY HAVE BEEN DRAGGED BEHIND MY CAR, SO THEY ARE COVERED IN ALL KINDS OF ROAD TAR .

THESE ITEMS ALSO REEK OF BRIMSTONE BECAUSE THEY WERE USED AS A CRUTCH BY A ONE-LEGGED, LEFT-HANDED, NIGHT-BLIND PAUPER WITH EBOLA FEVER, A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY AND A NASTY CASE OF HIVES AS HE ATTEMPTED TO ESCAPE FROM THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HADES.

ALSO, FOR THREE YEARS AS I WONDERED THROUGH CANADA'S FROZEN NORTHLAND, I USED THESE ITEMS TO FIGHT OFF POLAR BEARS BY THROWING THEM AT THE BEARS.

FINALLY, MY TWO ALIEN FRIENDS, OORK AND ZORT HAVE A WEIRD HABIT OF USING THESE ITEMS AS A LANDING PAD FOR THEIR SPACE-SHIP, SO THEY ARE NOW FULL OF LUNAR DUST.

IF YOU HAVE ANY OTHER QUESTIONS, PLEASE CONTACT ME.

[dirkdigler]

Two buddies, Ed& Bob, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Bob throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Gus says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Bob stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God.....you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Bob says:
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrrrrinks. But thiss other guy got sssssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said e was verrry sorry an' gave
me twennnie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks..."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhhhhhit in my pants, toooooo."

[lrspeel]

Subject: Poison

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the
pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight
into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some
cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord
have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your
husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a
picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's
wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now. That's different You didn't tell me you had
a prescription.... "

[gtb]

www.glenzippo.co.uk/Christmaswishes.jpg

;D

[lrspeel]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME



According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women w! ould be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!

[lrspeel]

Christmas Cookies Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of buter in a large fluffy
bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make
sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ... just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit,

Pick the frigging fruit off floor...Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a
drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who cares?

Check the Jose Cuervo.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS

[lrspeel]

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut
off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket.
She got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your mistress find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.