got something funny?

[lrspeel]

The Seven Dwarfs go to Rome

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"



"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......



"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

[lrspeel]

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[gtb]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GucDzyGVNSM

[dirkdigler]

that was almost funny

[lrspeel]

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action in Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will
be next, then Motel 6 Managers, and followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps.


It's getting ugly!

[lrspeel]

Reporters - Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U.S.Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded .

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful

of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and

returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die

content."

Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song

"O Canada" one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had

studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with

some rag-tag Musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and

declared he could now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my

tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to

happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I

was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts

dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr.. U.S. Marine, what is your

final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted

the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in

the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm

pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the

resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4

carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the

Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they

asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did

you ask them to kick you in the ass first?"

"What," replied the Marine, "and have you three Assholes report
that I was the aggressor?

[dirkdigler]

now that is a funny one!

[lrspeel]

A UCLA Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the
Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you
know what
your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

[lrspeel]

Old Timer Sex


The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?


We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back
fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we
can do it for old time's sake?"


"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"


There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this, and having a chuckle to himself.


He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against
a fence.


I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows
them.


They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided

by walking sticks.


Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to
the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.


As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.



Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen.



This goes on for about 50 minutes. Both are making loud noises and
moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.


The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about
life and old age that he didn't know.



After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.



The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing.

He thinks, I've got to ask them what their secret is.



As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?"



The old man says,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[lrspeel]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
>
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,
"what is your occupation?"
>
"I'm a whore," she says.
>
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."
>
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken
farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
>
"Chicken Farmer it is."

[lrspeel]

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut
off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket.
She got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your mistress find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

[lrspeel]

Dark In Here

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not
realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice"

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go
outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...
that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

> The boy says, "Dark in here."


> The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now"

[lrspeel]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,?
"We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

[lrspeel]

At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of
it. Be sure to read all the way to the end!

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he crie s, then
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

Put these words
upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me
to my doom..."

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
City Taxes: property, auto, income, etc.
Corporate Income Tax
County Taxes: property, auto, income, etc.
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax,
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon) and higher
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest expense
Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes
Sales Tax (city, county, state)
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the
world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What happened? And I
still have to "press 1" for English I hope this goes around the world
10 times

[lrspeel]

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
>
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
>
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
>
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
>
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
Fainted.
>
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw
>the computer screen which read:
>
To: My Loving Wife
>
Subject: I've Arrived
>
Date: October 16, 2004
>
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
>
>
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here...