got something funny?

[lrspeel]

The Good Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide
to
go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt
and
then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes... how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they're done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did
you
figure that out?"

"I Didn't feel a thing!"

[lrspeel]

Because this might happen to you.

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially
when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest
Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have
their car break down in the parking lot. The man
told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of
people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw
a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack
of underwear turned private parts into glaringly
public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she
dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP
his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband, who was
standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in
his forehead.

[lrspeel]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver
so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns,
Howzabout you leava me your "Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....
you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and
maybe a coppa leeo bambinos." "
Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.
Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to you watch and say "Times up?"

[lrspeel]

Little Piggy Story

A farmer in Macon , Georgia , had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything fifty-fifty. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

[gtb]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor
and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[hotrod]

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC:"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.
I politely declined to take one."An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered grandma a pamphlet, which she politely declined."The young protester put her hand on the grandma's shoulder as a gesture of friendship, and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about! the children of Ir aq?' "The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in Germany during World War II; I lost my husband in the Korean W! ar and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

[hotrod]

Hillary Clinton went to a primary school in New York City to talk about
> the
> world. After her talk, she had a "question and answer" period. One little
> boy raised his hand & the Senator asked him for his name.
>
> "Kenneth."
>
> And what is your question, Kenneth?"
>
> "I have 3 questions:
> 1st - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
> 2nd - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the
> office?
> 3rd - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the
> White
> House?"
>
> Just then the bell rang for recess. Mrs. Clinton informed the children
> they
> would continue after recess.
>
> When they resumed Hillary said, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right,
> question time. Who has a question?"
>
> A different little boy put up his hand. Hillary pointed to h! im and asked
> him
> for his name.
>
> "Larry."
>
> And what is your question, Larry?"
>
> "I have 5 questions:
> 1st - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
> 2nd - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the
> office?
> 3rd - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the
> White
> House?
> 4th - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
> 5th - What happened to Kenneth?
>

[lrspeel]

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the
recent death of her husband Earl,
so she decid! ed to just kill herself
and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it
overwith quickly, she took out Earl's old
Army pistol and made the decision to
shoot herself in the heart since it was
so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become
a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called
her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman,"
the doctor said,
"your heart is just below your left breast.
Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night,
Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[freddythefox]

Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited

one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to

words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he

would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the

illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".



One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on

a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills

him, that would be a 'tragedy'"

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."



A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty

children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a

tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would

call a great loss."



The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the

room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of

tragedy?"



Finally, at the back of the room, a small shy boy raised his hand...In a

quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was

struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens that would

be a tragedy."



"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me

why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly

wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*****g accident either."

[lrspeel]

OK This is not funny Where is everybody at ///

[dirkdigler]

there over there ! look

[freddythefox]

IMPORTANT SCAM NOTICE


over the i became the victim of a clever scam while shopping at tesco.
heres how it works:two gorgeous girls come over to your car as you are loading groceries into your boot.they start wiping your windscreen with their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy tops.
when you offer them a tip they refuse but instead ask for a lift to the next shopping centre.you agree and they get in the back seat.on the way there,they start having sex with each other.then one of them climbs into the front and performs oral sex on you...while the other steals your wallet.
i had my wallet stollen on june 8th,9th and 10th,twice on 15th,17th and 20th.may happen again thiss weekend if i can afford some more wallets!
MEN BEWARE

[lrspeel]

OK This is not funny Where is everybody at
Or should we play TAPS, [glow=red,2,300][/glow]

[dirkdigler]

shhh were sleeping

[lrspeel]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?"

"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the
phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around a nd screamed,

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP