got something funny?

[gtb]

Whilst looking at feedback on ebay (not mine, I hasten to add) I found the following

What A Nice Kind Ebayer, Regards

The feedback was neutral by the way.
;D

[mcooper]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.


>

> On his first day there he takes off his clothes and
starts to wander

>around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately
gets an

>erection.

>

> The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and
says, "Did you

>call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must

>be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection,


>it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side
of the

>swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily


>lets him have his way with her.

>

> The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the

>sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man


>lumbers out of the steam room toward him, " Did you call for me?"
says the

>hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You
must be new,"

>says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies
that you

>called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him
over a

>bench and has his way with him.

>

> The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where
he is greeted

>by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she
says.

>

> The man yells, "Here's my membership card.. You
can have the key back

>and you can keep the $250 membership fee."


>

> "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only
been here for a few hours. You

>haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."


>

> The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.
I only get an

>erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day ."


>

[lrspeel]

;D This ones for dirk ;D
eldesorden.com/files/www.hahahumor.com/funny-flash-movies/boobs.swf

[gtb]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home she stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are exactly 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't." she says. "I was behind you in McDonald's."

[lrspeel]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as
she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone
and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into
the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her
car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the
booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car
while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and
cussing a blue streak at him.
> "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do'
bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the
chrome-plated Christian Fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally... I assumed you
had stolen the car."

[zipposr4me]

A man staggers bewildered into the Doctors' Office and pleads to see his Physician immediately. Seeing the despair and shocking look upon his face, the receptionist runs to get the Doctor. When the Doctor reaches the man he asked what the problem is? The man replies,"Doc, you GOTTA help me!!! I've got 7 children and my wife just told me that she is pregnant AGAIN!!! HOW DO I STOP THE STORK?" Thinking about the ordeal for a moment the Doctor answers,"Shoot it in the air?"

[mcooper]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were
strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Pa,
what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up
again and a gorgeous, voluptuous
24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son,

"Boy.......Go Gitcha Ma...............

[lrspeel]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

[gtb]

Annoyed that I didn't have my camera with me, But I was in Sheffield today and spotted a Furniture shop called "Sofa King" Next to the sign someone had put up a poster that just read "Cheap!" So right across the front of the shop are the words "Sofa King Cheap"

[lrspeel]

A Cajun walks into a bar with

A pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the gator will close his

Mouth for one minute.

"Then he'll open his mouth

And I'll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this

Spectacle,

Each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar,

Dropped his trousers,

And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth

As the crowd gasped.

After a minute,

The man grabbed a beer

bottle and smacked the

Alligator hard on the top of

its head.

The gator opened his mouth

And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,

And the first of his free

Drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly

Spoke up..........

"I'll try it -

Just don't hit me so hard

with the beer bottle!"

[freespirit07]

www.subservientchicken.com/

[gtb]

Apparently Guy Ritchie has told Madonna that it's the last time he will give her money to go out and buy a little black number!

[dirkdigler]

lmfao

[lrspeel]

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
>>>replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm
>>>half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
>>>different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
>>>blackouts, have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly
>>>feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
>>>Have lost all my friends But, thank God, I still have my driver's
>>>license

[lrspeel]

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS.........

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at
him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that
I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."