got something funny?

[dirkdigler]

wish I could but you know ohhhh wait you wouldnt know! you can wear a thong unlike me! damit mine pokes his head out the top of my shorts now just think what it would look like in a thong!

[lrspeel]

Think i would look good in one

[arthurdent]

You just bring your barrel there old fart!

[gtb]

Dirk, are these any good to you?

cgi.ebay.co.uk/WORLDS-LARGEST-UNDERPANTS-100-INCH-WAIST-big-CRAP_W0QQitemZ150019366623QQihZ005QQcategoryZ58396QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

[dirkdigler]

might be able to keep it all in there

[freddythefox]

you've all gone completely bonkers.nice one!!

[freespirit07]

[ftp]http://beanyourselfb.ytmnsfw.com/[/ftp] P.S. .... & wait for the music

Sorry guys, did my utmost to paste the pic in here without success - is that you Dirk?

[dirkdigler]

:-[yep how did you get my pic??

[hotrod]

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

[hotrod]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of
course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband
cringed, "I
warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the
owner,
apologize
and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A
warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the
damage
that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique
bottle
was
lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch
asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You
see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
give
you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I
can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young

lady,
what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always
be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish,
genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been
with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with

your
wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said! , "Gee, honey, you know
we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think? "
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the
same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the
rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After
about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked
directly
into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"NO SHIT. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in
genies?"

[Ed5066]

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start
their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith
kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."


"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."


"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs.
Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your,
er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good
Lord, she's fainted!!

[lrspeel]

ZEN AND THE WISDOM OF LIFE

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just
pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't
getting any.

4. No one is listening until you fart.

5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.

6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away,
and you have their shoes.

7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
it was worth it.

10. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time. ;D

11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.

12. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one
works.

13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.

14. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and
a laxative on the same night.

[gtb]

I have posted this in the Click forums, but thought it deserved a home here as well

cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=952&item=190022787207

Glen

[mcooper]

What the hell,ive thrown a small fortune away!!

[freddythefox]

bloke walks up to a girl in a night club,and says hi my names bond!she says"dont tell me its james".he says "no its uni,im here to fill your crack."