got something funny?

[arthurdent]

overseas eh? You'd better check again with the little lady Dirk! Unless you count the Great Lakes of course!

[arthurdent]

ok, for those of us that are getting a bit longer in the tooth I found this...damn can I relate to this too!

I have an early diagnoses of A.A.A.D.D.; Age Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder. I was very concerned, so
I did some research on the subject.

This is how it manifests itself:

You decide to water your garden.
As you turn on the hose in the driveway, you look over
at your car and decide your car needs washing.
As you start toward the garage, you notice that there
is mail on the porch table that you brought up from
the mail box earlier.
You decide to go through the mail before you wash the
car.
You lay your car keys down on the table, put the junk
mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice
that the can is full.
So, you decide to put the bills back on the table and
take out the garbage first.
But then you think, since you are going to be near the
mailbox when you take out the garbage anyway, you may
as well pay the bills first.
You take your check book off the table, and see that
there is only one check left.
Your extra checks are in your desk in the study, so
you go inside the house to your desk where you find
the can of Coke that you had been drinking.
You're going to look for your checks, but first you
need to push the Coke aside so that you don't
accidentally knock it over. You see that the Coke is
getting warm, and you decide you should put it in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.
As you head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase
of flowers on the counter catches your eye -- they
need to be watered.
You set the Coke down on the counter, and you discover
your reading glasses that you have been searching for
all morning.
You decide you better put them back on your desk, but
first you are going to water the flowers.
You set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a
container with water and suddenly you spot the TV
remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
You realize that tonight when you go to watch TV, you
will be looking for the remote, but you won't remember
that it's on the kitchen table, so you decide to put
it back in the den where it belongs, but first you
will water the flowers.
You pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of
it spills on the floor.
So, you set the remote back down on the table, get
some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, you head down the hall trying to remember what
you were planning to do.At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only one check in your check book,
You can't find the remote,
You can't find your glasses,
And you don't remember what you did with the car
keys.Then, when you try to figure out why nothing got
done today, you are really baffled because you know
you were busy all day long, and you are really tired.

You realize this is a serious problem, and you will
try to get some help for it, but first you will check
your e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to
everyone you know immediately, because you won't
remember to whom it has been sent.

[lrspeel]

;D ;D IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.

_______________________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!

_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

_______________________________________________________

;D ;D IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.

_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

_______________________________________________________

*and they walk among us

and REPRODUCE

[lrspeel]

>
> Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
> attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet
> twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
> She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I
> play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice
> and yelled, "Come on, baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!" As the
> dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES!
> YES!
> I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
> winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
>
> The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
> Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The
> other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
>
> Moral - Not all Southerners are stupid and not all blondes
> are dumb, but all men are men
>

[lrspeel]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
am fine, how are you, you make me smile
I'm Fine - How are you?

There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.

I'M FINE!! HOW ARE YOU

[freddythefox]

> Subject:Test your eyes
> > > >
> > > > ALZHEIMERS' TEST
> > > >
> > > > Count every "F" in the following text:
> > > >
> > > > FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
> > > > SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
> > > > FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
> > > > THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
> > > > (SEE BELOW)
> > > >
> > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > HOW MANY ?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > .... 3?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
> > > > READ IT AGAIN !
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > The reasoning behind is further down.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > The brain cannot process "OF".
> > > >
> > > > Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
> > > > Three is normal, four is quite rare.
> > > >
> > > > Send this to your friends.
> > > > It will drive them crazy.! And keep them occupied
> > > > for several minutes..!

[freddythefox]

Subject: Beer warning


Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click on web site below :

[lrspeel]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

!

[lrspeel]

What starts with an F and ends in a K?
>>
>> A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having
>> trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked,
>> "Harry, what's your problem?"
>>
>> Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
>> sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she
>> is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
>>
>> Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
>> principal's office.
>>
>> While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
>>explained to the principal what the situation was.
>>
>> The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy
>> a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
>> he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
>> agreed.
>>
>> Harry was brought in and the conditions were
>> explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
>>
>> Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
>>
>> Harry: "9."
>>
>> Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
>>
>> Harry: "36."
>>
>> And so it went with every question the principal
>> thought a 3rd grader should know.
>>
>> The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I
>> think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
>>
>> Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him
>> some questions."
>>
>> The principal and Harry both agreed.
>>
>> Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that
>> I have only two of?"
>>
>> Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
>>
>> Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but
>>I do not have?"
>>
>>The principal wondered why would she ask such a
>> question!
>>
>> Harry replied: "Pockets."
>>
>> Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
>> into?"
>>
>> Harry: "Pants."
>>
>> Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is
>> hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish
>> liquid?"
>>
>>Harry: "Coconut."
>>
>> The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
>>
>> Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes
>>out soft and sticky?"
>>
>> The principal's eyes opened really wide and before
>> he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
>>
>> Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman
>> does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
>>
>> Harry: "Shake hands."
>>
>> The principal was trembling.
>>
>> Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends
>>in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
>>
>> Harry: "Firetruck."
>>
>>The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
>> teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the
>> last seven questions wrong...... "

[lrspeel]

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wondered about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you understand these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,…… it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[freddythefox]

ROMANCE MATHMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE MATHMATICS
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATHMATICS
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS AND STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is the one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are more willing to die.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting she will not change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

[freddythefox]

[im

g][/img]

[lrspeel]

Subject: Government Interview

A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job. The interviewer asks
him, "Are you a veteran?"

The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any
service-related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion
removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my
ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can
hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll
get you started."

The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come
at 10?"

"Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and
scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that"

[lrspeel]

Hillbilly Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided 11
was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry
bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put
it in
an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the
world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me." "Trust me, " said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Mississippi, West Virginia, North Carolina,
Alabama, Tennessee, Arkansas
and parts of Missouri & Florida. and the UK

[lrspeel]

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you on April 1st of this year?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting in my swing on my front porch on that warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little bastard!

-------------------